


Epiktheca: the Book of Jape

by jape_falcon



Category: Adolf Hitler - Fandom, Christian Bible, Original Work, ジョジョの奇妙な冒険 | JoJo no Kimyou na Bouken | JoJo's Bizarre Adventure
Genre: Action/Adventure, Alternate Universe, Breaking the Fourth Wall, Crossover, Epic Battles, Gen, Humor, Mexico, Mild Gore, Original Fiction, Sarcasm, Satire, Shounen, Swearing
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-13
Updated: 2020-10-01
Packaged: 2021-03-02 04:54:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 15
Words: 7,585
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23639410
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jape_falcon/pseuds/jape_falcon
Summary: Jape 10:8-98 "Why?", he asked. "Why go through all this trouble? What do you wish to prove?"9 "Vye, you ask?", the conqueror replied. "It is easy. Gott kreated zee vorld. Gott kreated zee Mann. Zee Mann killed Gott. I kill zee Mann. I take ofer zee vorld."---------Follow Epik's adventure as a Jesus-like figure to dethrone his father and liberate the Kingdom of Mexico from his bullshit in this satirical crossover of JoJo's Bizarre Adventure and The Bible.Features (not yet, but eventually!) a colorful cast of characters such as Adolf Hitler, Jotaro Kujo, Deadpool, Master Chief, and Nolan North, most of them with their own unique Stands.Original soundtrack is already done! I will publish it on Youtube when I get a few more chapters done.
Comments: 3
Kudos: 13





	1. Jape 1 - The Prophecy

**Author's Note:**

> The Book of Jape is a crossover of JoJo's Bizarre Adventure and The Bible.  
> It contains material that may be offensive to some readers, such as mild violence (not more than JoJo), lots of swearing, a few punches to religion, and every joke you could imagine about Hitler.  
> No one involved in this project necessarily agrees with the messages this fanfic sends. Because Hitler is one of the main characters, you may think this fanfic is pro-nazi, which absolutely isn't the case. Is it edgy and immature humor? Yes.  
> Most characterization mistakes, retcons, and plot holes are intended, to mimic both JoJo's and The Bible's styles.  
> Lastly, my native language isn't English, so there may be a couple of awkward phrases and mistakes. I'll do my best to fix them as long as you tell me in the comments about them.

1 Long ago, the glorious Kingdom of Mexico was governed by a ruthless Lord who shall go conveniently unnamed for now. 2 The death of his pregnant wife devastated him, but his son miraculously survived. 3 He sought the advice of his prophets, and they told him: “Your son was blessed, for he challenged death and stood victorious. Yet, if he becomes an adult, he shall overthrow your sacred Kingdom and plunge the world into chaos. 4 Get rid of him at once, for the sooner the evil is defeated, the sooner we shall rest easy”.

5 Following their advice, he ordered his most loyal servant to murder the child. 6 But the man felt compassion for the kid, and left him in the middle of the jungle, trying his best not to look back.

7 The next morning, consumed by guilt, he searched the woods for the boy, and he was surprised to find him under the care of an ordinary... cow? 8 But as he looked deep into the eyes of the child, visions clouded his senses. The smell of blood filled the air as the fleshy tree branches reached out to grab him; their leaves turning into sharp claws and fangs, and the grass below him into thick strands of hair.

9 Terrified, the man tried to escape, but the cow stood on its two legs and closed his path. “I can remove your curse,” said the cow, “for a price.”

10 The man begged, “Please! I’ll give you anything!” as he dropped his wallet to the floor.

11 The cow looked down at him, its eyes as red as hellish flames, and proclaimed: “The deal is sealed, [ _SOLD THE WORLD_ ]!!”

12 Immediately after these words were spoken, the poor man felt weak and exhausted, and fell to the ground. 13 The last thing he saw was the normal-ass cow, once again on its fours, eating grass. His corpse could never be found.

14 A cyborg centaur who was casually strolling that Saturday morning witnessed this event from the bushes. 15 “This must be the work of a Stand,” the centaur thought. “That child is a Stand user!” 16 And so, he took care of the kid, naming him Epik, for no particular reason.

17 Despite all the Lord's efforts, he found no evidence of his son's death, and he grew anxious every day since.


	2. Jape 2 - Face to Face with the King Pt. 1

1 Years passed, and Epik grew to become a quiet child. As he was playing around a pond, Chiron, the cyborg centaur, was recollecting fruits for a new dish he would teach him. 2 He thought it was best for Epik not to learn how to use his Stand, instead focusing his school years in the art of cooking. 3 But as he was thinking this, he heard a sound coming from the bushes. Someone was running straight to the pond!

4 The news about the survival of the Lord’s child spread out quickly. 5 It was said that whoever brought the kid’s head to the Lord would be greatly rewarded. Yet, nobody had neither the skill nor the knowledge to figure out where he could be. 6 Except for the legendary criminal, Michael Jackson, known for showing no mercy to neither animals nor children!

7 Michael finally found the child near a pond and hid in some bushes. 8 His plan was perfect: he would call the kid’s attention with some strange sounds and then beat the shit out of him. 9 And yet, for some reason he wore his flashy white suit and fedora that day, which wasn’t the best camouflage around the green. 10 But as he was about to execute his plan, he felt a quick object approaching him from behind. 11 He activated his Stand [ _SMOOTH CRIMINAL_ ], and easily caught the arrow between his fingers before it could pierce his skull.

12 “Nice try, but your arrows are useless against my Stand-d’ah ♪!” he said as he snapped the arrow in half with a smirk on his face. 13 Chiron remained hidden, deactivating his Stand so that Jackson couldn’t find him. 14 “It’s useless!” shouted Michael while grabbing his junk. “I know where you are hiding from the direction the arrow came from, ooh-hoo ♪!” 15 He then ran at the speed of sound towards that direction. But as soon as he got there, “g’ah ♪!” he exclaimed, as the enemy was nowhere to be found. 16 “This guy can change the trajectory of the arrow, he’s a Stand User too!” he thought as another arrow suddenly got to his range and he caught it midair. He could then see a cyborg centaur with a bow, the enemy!

17 “So there you are, you sneaky freak-k’ah ♪,” said Michael playfully. “Are you here to steal my bounty-hee ♪?”

18 Chiron replied while badassly pointing his finger at him: “Fool! You are in no position to be asking questions. My Stand is killing you as we speak.” 19 Shocked, Jackson looked at the arrow that was still stuck in his hand, with a faint blue aura around it. 20 “My plasma arrows get attached to their target’s skin,” continued the centaur, “slowly sucking their life away; that is the power of my Stand. 21 I purposefully attacked you with a normal arrow before to see how you would react and plan accordingly. 22 You got two options now: either flee and hope I mercifully remove the arrow from your hand, or cut your hand, which will give me an advantage for the rest of the fight. Regardless of your choice, I’ve already won.”

23 “Or, better yet,” said Michael, “I could kill you, which will remove the effects of your Stand-d’ah ♪. C’mon ♪!” 24 He then leaped towards the centaur preparing a kick to the head. Chiron saw this and tried to grab his leg, but Jackson knew he would attempt to stop it so he nimbly dodged the centaur’s grasp while in the air, moving behind and kicking him in the back of the head. 25 Chiron was sent flying through the trees as if it were an anime; you should have seen this entire scene, it would have been much easier than to narrate it like this.

26 Michael hero-landed and the arrow soon disappeared off his hand. “You’ve been hit by, you’ve been struck by, a [ _SMOOTH CRIMINAL_ ] ♪!” he bragged. 27 He fixed his tie and continued: “Now’s the kid’s turn, tee-hee ♪.”


	3. Jape 3 - Face to Face with the King Pt. 2

STAND NAME: 「 _SMOOTH CRIMINAL_ 」  
STAND USER: MICHAEL JACKSON  
Destructive Power - C / Speed - A / Range - E  
Persistence - B / Precision - B / Development Potential - C  
Ability: Smooth Criminal enhances Michael Jackson's movement and reaction speeds, allowing him to run at the speed of sound, catch bullets and arrows as they are flying, and dodge in the air. It also allows him to perceive moving objects around him.

1 Michael Jackson left the woods and saw Epik in the eyes, who was slightly worried by the sounds.

2 “Hello there, kiddo ♪,” he greeted him with a creepy smile on his face. 3 But as soon as he said that, he perceived something behind him: it was that damn centaur again! But as he looked back, he noticed not only one centaur, but multiple ones, surrounding him.

4 “You are trapped,” all the Chirons exclaimed in unison. “You can’t dodge all of us at once. As I said before, I won.” 5 They then charged a plasma arrow to shoot Jackson. 6 But he wasn’t fazed; Michael trusted his [ _SMOOTH CRIMINAL_ ] could evade them all, and cockily added: “Just try shooting at me, I’m ready for anything-g’ah ♪!”

7 A shadow rapidly covered him; he realized too late it was another Chiron right above him, blocking the sun. 8 “And yet, I see you weren’t prepared for this,” the airborne centaur mocked, and quickly shouted: “[ _ALPHA CENTAURI_ ]: _PLASMA DRAGON_!!” 9 A flaming blue dragon was shot out of the centaur’s bow, its mouth wide open while heading towards Michael Jackson, who couldn’t do anything but scream a faint “d’ah ♪!” as he was eaten and consumed alive by the apparition, leaving a three meter-deep crater in its wake.

10 _STAND USER: MICHAEL JACKSON_  
_STAND: [SMOOTH CRIMINAL]_  
_STATUS: DEAD (BURNED ALIVE)_

* * *

11 Chiron was forced to explain to Epik his situation. “You were given a powerful ability, Epik,” he explained. 12 “A Stand is a physical apparition that grants incredible powers, and it stands beside its user, hence its name. 13 This chapter, neither of our three Stands had a physical appearance, so you could consider it lazy writing, but that’ll likely be retconned, eventually.

14 “Nevertheless, your Stand, [ _SOLD THE WORLD_ ], is indeed unique, Epik. You can give hallucinations to people just by looking directly into their eyes, and if they accept a deal during that trip, you can steal their souls.

15 “But with great power, comes great responsibility... is what I would say, if it weren’t because stealing souls is an extremely OP Stand, and you should absolutely spam it as much as you can.

16 “It’s likely more mercenaries are after you. We can practice with them. Today, your Stand training begins.”

17 And so, Epik and Chiron looked at the crater beside the pond, as the sun set on the horizon. Tomorrow would be another day for epic adventure.


	4. Jape 4 - The Dictator

1 A new phenomenon terrorized the lands of Europe: mountains of human bodies, decapitated, tortured, and experimented on. 2 Sharks attracted by the smell of blood roamed the European shores, where the piles of corpses created artificial islands. 3 The once innocent people were deemed impure by the Dictator, who ordered their death in concentration camps. The Germans took control of Europe.

4 But not every German was pleased. A woman carrying her baby rushed to the Dictator’s chambers, before getting stopped by the guards.

5 The Conqueror stood up from his throne and examined from afar the woman’s tattoo on her forehead: a white inverted triangle. “Let her in,” he ordered.

6 The woman came running as tears dropped from her face, calling: “Führer, Führer!” The Dictator received her with open arms.

7 “Vat is zee problem?”, he asked, hugging her tightly. This sign of affection confused the lady, as she thought her leader was a cold-hearted maniac.

8 “M-my... My family...” she slurred. He understood immediately.

9 “Zee path to a greater vorld is a harsch one,” the Führer said. “For some, change is a terrifying vord, und I underschtand zat. 10 But zis is not a greater vorld for me, it’s for zee German people. It’s for... him,” he pointed at the baby. 11 Taking him in his arms, he continued: “Imagine a vorld vhere he kan be free, vithout zee fear of getting mugged und killed on zee schtreets. 12 A vorld vhere he kan schtudy und vork vithout having to vorry someone else vould take his chances. A vorld vithout vars und violence... Zat is my goal.”

13 The lady was mesmerized, the Conqueror’s speech comforted her doubts and worries, until she finally snapped and realized what was going on. 14 This was the Führer’s ability, an aura that made the people around him feel at ease, his charisma!

15 The woman took the child from the Dictator’s grasp and slapped him in the face. “How dare you!”, she screamed at him.

16 He simply glared her for a moment as the guards approached to detain her. “You hafe made a terrible mischtake.” He did a gesture with his index finger, and the now crying baby flew back to his hands.

17 “N-no!! Don’t hurt my baby!! I’ll do anything!!”, she begged. But her words weren’t enough to change the Conqueror’s mind.

18 “Anything?”, the Führer asked as a layer of silence consumed the scene. The woman’s heart skipped a beat, she knew what was going to happen, and only then the Dictator continued: “Then do me a favor, and die.” 19 He flicked his finger and the woman’s head quickly popped off, leaving a thick trail of blood that splashed the entire room.

20 Silence once again took over, only to be broken by the baby’s cries. 21 One of the guards gulped, he still wasn’t used to witnessing these decapitations.

22 “Take sie baby to zee rehabilitation center,” the Dictator ordered, handing him over to one of the guards. “Und change sie triangle on his forehead to black! He isn’t vorthy of zee vhite mark.”

* * *

23 Soon, the Führer conquered Russia, Asia, Africa, and Australia. There was no match for his power, and Japan was the only Eastern force that could stop him then.

24 It was there that Adolf Hitler met Jotaro Kujo, who had the same kind of powers he had...


	5. Jape 5 - For Want of a Praise Pt. 1

1 Now a grown teen, 15-year-old Epik wished to start his Hero Journey™ by traveling to the nearest city, Pinchechingón.

2 “Be careful,” warned his teacher Chiron. “You may have mastered using your power, but you are yet to master not using it.”

3 Ignoring the typically confusing yet strangely wise advice of his teacher, Epik left. 4 It was a whole new world for him, and he was excited to finally use his powers for the greater good, instead of for himself.

5 He did visit the city before, just never on his own. He tried to help people but Chiron wouldn’t let him, and most of the time the centaur would force him to use a blindfold. 6 But now he knew how to control his power, so everything would go alright, right?

7 Atop the giant skyscrapers hanged colorful neon advertisements. The rain and fog surrounding them seemed fitting to Epik, as they symbolized the destruction of the nature he grew up with. 8 The immense amount of people made him anxious, but he pulled through the crowds with courage and determination in his heart.

9 A beggar noticed his sight-seeing and decided to try his luck with him. “Spare some change?”, he asked monotonously while making eye contact.

10 “Sorry, I didn’t bring any money with me,” Epik lied, aware of the beggar’s game. But something seemed strange about that man, he suddenly looked disturbed and shocked... 11 “Is everything alright, sir?” the young boy asked politely, but by that time the man had run away. It’s as if he saw a demon or something, jeez. “City people are weird,” he thought.

12 He got to a park, the classic location where troubles unfold, and saw an elderly woman looking up at a tree, where a cat was on a comfortable lookout. Epik knew what to do.

13 “Don’t worry, lady, I’ll bring the cat down,” he said as he started climbing the tree. But as he was climbing, he looked at the feline in the eyes, and moments later, it uncontrollably hissed at him until the cat fell from the tree, running away as fast as it could.

14 “What the fuck are you doing, you stupid whippersnapping cunt!?” shouted the woman with excessive anger.

15 “Don’t worry, I’ll get them back!” he promised while trying not to look at her in the eyes as he ran for the kitten.

16 “Dammit! I forgot about my Stand!” thought Epik. “That’s why that beggar ran away too! Fuck! How am I supposed to get the cat without even looking at its eyes!?” 17 The solution came upon him as if destiny was aiding him: a classic Mexican weapons shop- er, not that one, idiot! The building beside it, the small fish store! He quickly bought one without losing track of the feline, hoping that it would calm down at one point.

* * *

18 A few minutes later, there was the cat in an alleyway; Epik holding the fish with one hand and covering his eyes with the other.

19 “C’mon, little runt...” he tried to lure the kitten. “Papa Epik ain’t gonna hurt you, don’t be shy! (Fucking cats, I hate them...) I have a big deal for you: if you come closer, I’ll give you this fishy!”

20 The foolish cat, without thinking it twice, got closer following the tasty scent of food. Epik threw the fish at it so he could snatch the feline while it was eating. 21 But as it turns out, the kitten just accepted a deal, and so... “The deal is sealed, [ _SOLD THE WORLD_ ]!!” The kitty fell to the side and died unceremoniously as if the Devil wanted to slap Epik’s face even harder.

22 “Holy fucking SHIT!” Epik exclaimed, along with many more beautiful expressions of anger. “Chiron was right, I don’t know how to NOT use my Stand!”

23 He pondered for a while what to do at that moment. He needed to go back to the old woman with a cat, so maybe... he could find one that was similar to it and give it to her! 24 “Delightfully devilish, Epik,” he thought to himself.


	6. Jape 6 - For Want of a Praise Pt. 2

1 The cat was conveniently plain ol' black, and so, Epik looked for a similar one on the closest and shadiest cat shelter, as he didn't want to sign no papers. 2 He chose one of the cutest ones, which was pretty ugly to be fair, and went to the cashier, making awkward eye contact.

3 "It'll be two hundred," the cashier said. Epik reluctantly paid the amount, it was almost all the money he had. 4 But as soon as he paid, he realized what he has done: "The deal is sealed, [ _SOLD THE WORLD_ ]!!" The man fell as unceremoniously as the cat did, to add insult to injury.

5 "OH MY FUCKING GOD, I JUST MURDERED AN INNOCENT PERSON, OH SHIT, OH FUCK," was kinda what Epik shouted in his desperation. 6 But before he could even run away, a cop passed by the store, having heard the commotion.

"Is there any problem, sir?" asked the cop.

7 "No, no, definitely no problems to be found!" Epik answered nervously, as he avoided looking at his eyes to add more corpses to the pile.

8 "I'm pretty sure I heard someone around here shouting something like 'I murdered an innocent person', didn't you hear that?" The cop was getting very suspicious of Epik, but while the young boy was dumb with plans, he was slick with words.

9 "Oh, that was me," he confessed, and they both shared an awkward silence. 10 Before the policeman could react, he added: "I mean- I shouted: 'I nurtured an innocent Persian'! You know, because I had to convince the man that I could take care of this cat."

11 "Oh, I see," the cop replied as Epik sighed in relief, then adding: "How do you explain that corpse over at the cashier though, huh? How do you bullshit your way out of that one?"

12 Epik had no other choice: he grabbed the cop’s shoulders and looked him in the eyes, making him an offer he couldn't refuse: "If I confess, you'll arrest me right now."

13 "Sure, if only every criminal was this easy," the policeman replied.

14 "I killed the man."

"Well then, I'll arrest you."

15 But as soon as these words were spoken, Epik opened his blazing eyes and exclaimed yet once again this day: "The deal is sealed, [ _SOLD THE WORLD_ ]!!" And the man dropped to his death.

16 He quickly ran away as fast as he could, leaving the city behind and looking for Chiron.

17 "Why are you holding a cat?" the centaur asked him. Of course, Epik forgot all about the cat-saving endeavor and instead told him all about the 'I just murdered two dudes' endeavor.

18 Chiron spent much time scolding Epik, and not much in finding an actually decent lawyer. So he chose a friend of his, one so-called Phoenix Wright, who would hopefully do the trick.


	7. Jape 7 - For Want of a Praise Pt. 3

1 Epik went inside the courtroom with a blindfold on his eyes and sat on the defendant's chair.

2 "If I may ask the defense, why is the defendant wearing a blindfold?" asked the judge.

3 "Well, to be perfectly honest," replied Phoenix while scratching the back of his head, "I have no idea." 4 The jury looked at Epik suspiciously; things were already looking bad and the trial hadn't even started.

5 "The prosecution would like to call a witness to the stand," the prosecutor said.

6 "No! I don't have any Stands!!" Epik shouted immediately, sweating too many bullets to realize they weren't talking about those kinds of stands. Chiron, who was looking from the audience, facepalmed loudly.

7 "This is outrageous!" objected the prosecution. "The defendant is not only prolonging the trial with his shenanigans, but he's also making a mockery of this court! The blindfold, the shouts, that cat he's holding!" 8 Epik once again forgot he was holding the cute black kitten in his hands.

9 "Objection!" shouted Wright, "I may not know what’s up with the blindfold, but the cat was placed on purpose! Tell them why you have a cat, Mr. Epik!"

10 The teenager explained it was an old woman's cat, and he was trying to get it back to her.

11 "What does this have to do with the case, Mr. Wright?" the judge asked, perplexed.

12 "Simple," Phoenix answered with a confident pose. "It doesn't."

13 "What are you trying to pull off this time, Phoenix!?” the prosecution objected. “Surely you can't be serious!"

14 "I am serious, and don't call me Phoenix, it's rude," Wright reacted. 15 "The cat has nothing to do with the case because it's that old lady's cat! There's no evidence Epik was even in the cat shelter, to begin with!" The jury and the audience went wild. The lawyer looked to Chiron, who gave him a thumbs up.

16 "Order! Order in the court!" exclaimed the judge, pummeling his gravel.

17 "Objection!" shouted the prosecutor. "Clearly the cat came from the cat shelter! There's no reason to doubt this!"

18 "That's where you are wrong," said Wright while shaking his head. "We only need to call the old lady to know if it’s her cat or not!"

19 It took a while, but they somehow managed to find this particular woman. Epik gave her the cat, and she gave it a good look.

20 "It's him, it's him!!" she replied with joy. "Oh, thank you so much for finding my kitty!"

21 The crowd collectively freaked out, and cheered. Phoenix Wright did it again.

* * *

22 Back in the woods, Epik and Chiron were looking at the sunset yet again.

23 "Sorry for not listening to your advice, Chiron," apologized Epik, expecting the centaur to not take it too seriously.

24 "Are you kidding me!?" replied the centaur with a faceful of angry. "You killed two innocent people! You should apologize to their families, not to me! 25 From now on, you won't be able to go to Pinchechingón until you are fully capable of controlling your Stand!"

26 The scoldings Epik received since that day still echo throughout the forest. All's well that ends well.


	8. Jape 8 - We Don't Need No Immigration Pt. 1

1 Epik was eighteen now and needed to get a job because Chiron ‘wouldn't deal with his shit anymore if he didn't get one’. 2 Now fully capable of controlling his Stand, he once again left to Pinchechingón, hoping nobody would recognize him.

3 He quickly found a sign at a convenience store saying they were hiring inexperienced people. 4 Now, Epik wasn't an idiot: he knew that every time something convenient and lucky was happening to him, he would get in trouble. But then again, if he didn't go for it, what would be the fun in life? And so, he entered the store.

5 The cashier was a blonde old-looking man with a strange orange-tinted face, who was reading a magazine, completely uninterested in Epik.

6 "Hi, what can I do for you?" he said in a seemingly mocking tone.

7 Epik noticed the tag on the man's shirt and replied: "Hello, Mr. Trump? I'm looking for a job."

8 "We don't want Mexicans, thank you," he said, still reading the magazine and not even giving Epik a single look.

9 "Wait, we're in Mexico, how come you are not accepting Mexicans?"

10 Donald Trump dropped the magazine with a big frown on his face. He glanced Epik up and down, and said to him: "Fucking Mexicans took our jobs back in my country. That's why."

11 "That doesn't explain anything! You're just being xenophobic!" Epik shouted, getting pissed off.

12 Trump replied, getting his magazine back: "Well, if you don't like it, you can fuck off my store."

13 "Sir, you're starting to piss me off, and you don't want to mess with me," Epik warned patiently.

14 "And what are you gonna do, tough guy, punch me? Just try to, pussy," baited Trump, still reading the magazine and avoiding eye contact.

15 Epik threw a punch at him, but a mysterious brick wall appeared between the two, and he ended up hitting the wall. 16 "Ah! This must be a Stand!" Epik figured out a bit too late, as Trump's hand passed through the barrier and grabbed his head.

17 "So you know about Stands, eh?" said Trump eagerly from the other side. "Well, mine's [ _THE WALL_ ], and you better say hello to it!" and he smashed Epik's head against it right after. 18 With a bloody nose, Epik knew his best bet was to go get Chiron, so he ran to the door. But Trump was once again faster and blocked the entrance with yet another wall, shouting: "Now THIS is a wall you can't get across!"

19 To the regular viewer, it may seem that Trump just wanted to fight Epik just for being Mexican, but he's slightly smarter than that! 20 Coincidentally, on the magazine that he was reading was a small advertisement, one with a thorough description of Epik! It read: "KILL THIS BOY, AND TAKE HIS HEAD TO THE KING!! REWARD: $25.000.000 MEXICAN PESOS!!"

21 This is Epik's first fight on his own!! How will he manage to defeat Trump!?


	9. Jape 9 - We Don't Need No Immigration Pt. 2

STAND NAME: 「 _THE WALL_ 」  
STAND USER: Donald Trump  
Destructive Power - E / Speed - C / Range - B  
Persistence - A / Precision - C / Development Potential - C  
Ability: The Wall allows Donald Trump to create brick walls in a range of at most 10 meters. These walls are solid even to non-Stand-Users, but he can phase through them.

1 Suddenly, Epik realized he was in a maze of walls, and he had no idea where Trump could be hiding. 2 He decided to run around and try his best to find him, so he took a left turn, then a right one, and then another left... Only to find the blood-stained wall from Trump's hit yet again!

3 "It's useless to try to make sense of my labyrinth," explained Donald Trump, his voice coming from multiple directions at the same time. "I can modify it at will as much as I want. There's no escape from my Stand!! Hahaha!!"

4 "Well, I might not be able to find him through the maze, but I can climb the walls and cheat my way through it!" thought Epik as he started to climb one of the walls. 5 But the store owner was aware of such weakness, and punched him right in the gut through the wall as he was climbing, throwing him off.

6 "Didn't I JUST say these are walls you cannot get across?" he said mockingly, as he continued laughing like a maniac. “Ooh, I’m really enjoying watching you suffer...”

7 Epik suddenly got an idea as he was getting up. "Okay, my best bet is trying to grab him as he's punching me so I can pull him to my side of the wall," he thought quickly as he baited Trump again by climbing the wall.

8 "Always the same with you Mexicans, as thick-headed as you can be!" exclaimed Donald as he was about to punch Epik once again in the gut. 9 But the young boy saw through this and grabbed his hand before the punch landed, and using his feet he jumped away from the wall, pulling Trump to his side just as he expected.

10 "You made a terrible choice," Donald said with yet another gross frown on his face as he was phasing through the wall. "I'm an ex-wrestling champion, Imma grab you by the pussy now!" 11 and as he finished saying that, he counter-grabbed Epik and threw him to the opposite wall, his face hitting teeth-first into it. Trump then ruthlessly kicked his face in and ran away to gain the advantage again.

12 Humiliated, Epik didn't have any more ideas. "I didn't manage to look him in the eyes that time, and now he'll be more careful with his punches," he thought. 13 He got up and decided he would stall for time, blocking his attacks to think for another strategy. But as he was thinking that, he was shocked to see Trump grabbing both of his legs and pulling them back, making him fall to the floor.

14 "Now I gotcha!" exclaimed Trump, "Once I beat you up, I'll trade your head for the bounty, and I'll make my businesses great again!!" he laughed maniacally. “Ooh, how I yearn for that small reward of a million dollars…”

15 "...What did he just say? He’ll get a reward for my head? So he knows who I am!" Epik managed to think as he was getting kicked in the stomach over and over. 16 “Does he know about my power? Is that why he won’t let me look at his eyes?” Trump then grabbed him by the hair and threw him to the wall.

17 “Look at the mess you’re doing on my store!” the store owner yelled at the bloodied teenager. “You’ll have to pay for my walls now!”

18 Bloody and beaten to a pulp, Epik didn't have many choices. Donald Trump was standing right in front of him, so he could finally take a good look at his eyes.

19 "Any last words?" asked Trump with a big smile on his face.

20 “This is it,” Epik thought. “He showed his face, so he doesn’t know about my Stand… now I just have to make a good deal with him!”

21 "I have a hundred dollars," the teenager said taking out the money Chiron lent him this time, "I'd like to purchase a water bottle."

22 "Ha! Deal!" shouted Trump as he excitedly took the money from Epik's hands. He then took a water bottle from the shelves and continued: "Thanks for your purchase. Now, you must die!" as he prepared to strike.

23 "Your greed has taken you to your doom" Epik replied in his very own first badass moment, "You’ve just made your last deal with the Devil. The deal is sealed, [ _SOLD THE WORLD_ ]!!" 24 Trump's strike fell short as he slumped to his death. In his last dying breath, he took a last view of Epik, raising his hand up to his neck as if he wanted to strangle him. Then, he finally collapsed.

25 _STAND USER: DONALD TRUMP_  
_STAND: [THE WALL]_  
_STATUS: DEAD (SOUL STOLEN)_

* * *

26 The walls dissipated around Epik, and it was finally over. He went over to Chiron to report him about the fight.

27 "And then, that stupid idiot actually accepted the deal!" Epik was about to finish explaining what happened. "So I ended up taking his soul. No biggie."

28 Chiron looked at him slightly proud and said: "That's cool and all that you won your first fight, but weren't you supposed to get a job?"

29 Epik's smile suddenly turned upside down as he saw the disappointment in his teacher's eyes.

30 "Now I'll have to get you another lawyer because you killed another guy!" shouted Chiron at the now-sobbing Epik.

31 And thus, another Epik tale ends.


	10. Jape 10 - The Dictator's Trip

1 In the middle of the Atlantic ocean, a warship was peacefully heading towards Mexico. Aboard it was Adolf Hitler, sitting comfortably on his chair.

2 "Four days until vee get zere", he confirmed as a tall Japanese man dressed in all blue stood beside him, the shadows badassly covering his face. 3 "So, Jotaro, vat do you zink about zis?", the Dictator asked him. "Do you zink vee'll be able to konquer all of Amerika as fast as vee konquered zee Eastern vorld?"

4 "Yare yare daze", replied Jotaro while holding his cap. "Nobody could match us in strength. We must be wary of enemy Stands, though".

5 "Schmart as alvays, I zee", the conqueror replied.

6 He stood up and went to the window. "Mexico vill soon join zee Nazis, of zat I'm schure", he said with confidence. 7 Jotaro kept holding his hat, mayhaps disagreeing with the man, but choosing not to reveal it.

8 "Why?", he asked. "Why go through all this trouble? What do you wish to prove?"

9 "Vye, you ask?", the conqueror replied. "It is easy. Gott kreated zee vorld. Gott kreated zee Mann. Zee Mann killed Gott. I kill zee Mann. I take ofer zee vorld. 10 I'm just part of zee natural cykle of sings. I'm doing a favor to natchure", and as he said that, he looked at Jotaro with a diabolical smile, the shadows covering half of his face. 11 Jotaro then left the cabin, looking down with his hands buried in his pockets.

12 Dark clouds seemed to approach the Kingdom of Mexico.


	11. Jape 11 - The Taco Stand Pt. 1

1 It was a Tuesday noon, and Epik was hungry in the city of Pinchechingón, so he went to his usual spot for a snack: Terminator's Tacos.

2 "Sup', 101!", he greeted his robotic friend, "You chillin'?"

3 "I am always freezing", replied Terminator with his typical literal-minded brain. "I am a robot after all. But my tacos aren't, they are as hot as the lava I wish I burned down in".

4 "Haha! They sure are!", replied Epik with a smile. "Two for the go, please! Maybe on the house?"

5 "Flattery will get you nowhere. You know I need the money to buy that DeLorean and get back on track with my mission."

6 "How was that deal again?", asked Epik curiously, as he has never really listened to his whole plan.

7 "I went back to this time to kill John Connor, but forgot my gun and wallet", admitted the robot, slightly ashamed of himself. 8 "So now I have to sell tacos to buy the DeLorean that's on sale so that I can go back to the future, get my gun and wallet, come back here and kill John Connor."

9 "Going through all this trouble just for a gun, huh? Admirable," added Epik. "I'd have stolen a car and just squash that brat's head with it, but doing it the legal way? That really is impressive. You should be proud of yourself".

10 "Yes, but the business is not doing good lately", said Terminator with a slight frown on his face.

"Why is that?"

11 "That Italian man right in front of this shop", he said while pointing at a peculiar purple-dressed man with a bizarre saw-shaped moustache, managing a taco stand of his own. 12 "He stole all my clients with his cheaper tacos. I might have to kill him. I'll be back."

13 "Woah there, 101; you're doing pretty good without murder", Epik replied, trying to calm him down. "There's no need for unnecessary violence. Just let me try talking to him and see what I can do, ok?"

14 "Would you do that for me, Epik? ...Thank you," Terminator said with a slight blush on his cheeks.

15 And so, Epik left the building. The purple-dressed man was wearing a sombrero and was attending customers at a place called Waluigi's Taco Stand. A sign on top said 'SPECIAL PROMOTION: A TACO FOR A DOLLAR, WAH'.

16 "Tacos! Tacos calentitos! Taquitos para ti y para mí! Wah!", this man was repeating in Spanish, considered an ancient tongue those days.

17 "Excuse me, Waluigi?", Epik tried to ask getting through the crowds of people. "May I talk to you for a moment?"

18 "Wah! No talking! More tacos! WAAAHH!", he replied in very gratuitous English, while attending customers even faster. 19 His skills were unparalleled, he would heat the saucepan to the point of cooking all the meat and onions in just half a minute, finishing the taco with cheese, tomato, and guacamole in five mere seconds. 20 He had engineered a machine to bake the shells at an even pace, so any distraction and the whole system would collapse. 22 Epik could truly appreciate a master chef when he saw one; Waluigi was a cooking genius.

23 Reluctant to break his rhythm, he decided to come back at night to check on him...


	12. Jape 12 - The Taco Stand Pt. 2

1 Epik approached Waluigi’s stand hours later, but it had a sign hanging saying 'CLOSED', and Waluigi was peacefully sleeping in the counter.

2 "Hey, excuse me," Epik woke him up, hoping he wouldn't mind that much.

3 "WAAAAAHHH!! YOU WON'T FIND MY SECRET, NO!", exploded Waluigi as he awoke, Epik being reasonably scared that he picked up another fight. 4 The Italian man then saw it was that annoying kid who was trying to bother him at noon and, resting his head on his hand and fingering his nose, continued: "What do you want? Can't a man sleep after a long day of work, wah?"

5 "I just wanted to ask you a couple of things...", said Epik with a mix of curiosity and seriousness. "Did you just say you have a secret? Is it a secret recipe?"

6 "NO!!", shouted Waluigi once again with his eyes wide open. "MY TACOS ARE PERFECTLY NORMAL. THERE'S NOTHING SPECIAL ABOUT THEM, WAH!!"

7 "That sounds like a suspiciously specific denial to me."

8 "Well, you look like a suspiciously specific brat to me. Now scram! Tomorrow will be another long day, wah..." 

9 After that, Waluigi used some lettuce to cover his ears; he didn't seem like he wanted to continue talking.

10 "Am I overthinking things?", Epik thought as he went home. "Maybe the man is a workaholic that really likes making tacos. Is there a problem with that, even if it ruins other people's businesses?"

11 He asked his master for advice. "You know, Epik, there's something you'll learn with time," Chiron told him. "Anything that's remotely suspicious is the work of a Stand. Once a wise man said, 'people with Stands attract each other'".

12 "But why?", Epik asked, confused. "That doesn't make any sense. What are the odds these many people in our normal lives have Stands?"

13 "Call it destiny, call it a theme, call it bad writing. Our lives are a constant influx of surprises and emotions, like characters in a novel. There are things we can't decide for ourselves. Hopefully you'll understand that one day".

14 "Well, I'll be the judge of that," Epik replied with confidence. And then he went to sleep.

15 "That boy... He's special and he doesn't know yet", said Chiron in a very dramatic way, with the moon shining on his face and everything; it was just like watching a movie.

* * *

16 The next day at noon, Epik revisited Terminator's Tacos. The robot was constantly looking at the stand in front of him, in a calm fury. 17 "I'm sorry, 101," Epik said, "I don't think Waluigi is cheating one way or another. He's likely just overworking and getting what he deserves for it."

18 "Bullshit," Terminator replied. "He is a cheater, I am sure of it. I will kill him. I'll be back." 19 Having said this, he jumped over the counter and started walking towards Waluigi's Taco Stand.

20 “101, no!” Epik tried to stop him, but it was useless; the machine was much too strong for him...


	13. Jape 13 - The Taco Stand Pt. 3

1 The robot pushed everyone in the crowd out of the way and slammed his hands on the counter.

2 "Hey, piece of shit," Terminator said with a straight face, which made it kinda funny.

3 “WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU!?" answered Waluigi, who was freaking out trying to manage the cooking meat. "YOU ARE SCARING OFF MY COSTUMERS, WAAAHH!!"

4 "I don't give a shit. I saw you last night after you talked to this kid," the robot said as he pulled up Epik by the back of his shirt with a single hand. Epik awkwardly smiled at Waluigi. 5 "You went around town looking for garbage and you kept it at your stand. Now may I ask you, where is all that garbage?"

6 The crowd was getting heated and they looked at Waluigi suspiciously. 7 Epik thought to himself: "Wait, he made garbage disappear? Maybe he does have a Stand...!"

8 "I see what your deal is, Waluigi!" shouted Epik, still being held by Terminator. "You turned that garbage into your food using your Stand! That's why you can sell it as cheap as it comes!"

9 The crowd was getting wild. "He's feeding us with garbage!?" "This is outrageous!" "I want a refund!!" "But it's tasty!" "Fuck you!" "I'll sue your ass, you freak!"

10 Waluigi panicked. He grabbed a lump of meat as he jumped over the counter from the other side, and started running. Terminator and Epik ran after him. 11 This is where I'd write 'cue the chasing scene', if it weren't because Waluigi already had a DeLorean parked close by.

12 "Stop right there!" shouted Epik, thinking it would actually work.

13 "You'll never catch me alive, wah!" he exclaimed as he morphed the chunk of meat into plutonium and used it to power the car. 14 "Hasta la vista, suckers! Waaahhahaha!!" he laughed while driving it. The DeLorean quickly disappeared from existence, leaving only a trail of fire behind.

15 Epik had only one thing to say to Terminator: "Wait, you weren't kidding when you said the DeLorean could travel through time? Holy shit."

16 _STAND USER: WALUIGI_  
_STAND: [FRIJOLERO]_  
_STATUS: ESCAPED TO THE PAST_

* * *

17 "So his Stand was capable of morphing anything into any other thing he wanted and he only used it to make tacos?" Chiron asked. He was visibly confused.

18 "Yeah. But I guess everything's okay now," commented Epik. "Terminator will still make tacos even though he can't get the DeLorean; I'm guessing he just learned to enjoy it."

19 "Good for him," said Chiron. And both looked into the sunset yet again, having learned absolutely nothing from this bizarre encounter with Waluigi.

20 All's well that ends well, I guess. Unless...


	14. Jape 14 - The Taco Stand Pt. 4: An Alternate Future

STAND NAME: 「 _FRIJOLERO_ 」  
STAND USER: Waluigi  
Destructive Power - E / Speed - D / Range - E  
Persistence - A / Precision - B / Development Potential - B  
Ability: Frijolero is able to morph any object into any other object of similar mass, as long as Waluigi is touching it. Its only limit is the creativity of the mind that holds this power.

1 With the release of Super Waluigi Bros. in 1985, the world entered in chaos. 2 Waluigi quickly managed to assert his dominance with merchandise and multiple products, like napkins, toilets, and presidential propaganda. 3 He somehow managed to win the elections in both Japan and Mexico, and started the Third World War, coined the Waluigi World War. 4 He won all by himself. The world would hail to their new leader Waluigi for an eternity.

5 But his saddest regret was Masahiro Sakurai's sudden suicide. 6 Because of that, he would never release Smash Ultimate in 2018, and Waluigi would never be capable of becoming an actual character in it.

7 Yet he went on. Mayhaps another brave soul would become Sakurai's successor, and finally give him the spot he yearned for since his first appearance. He could only hope.


	15. Jape 15 - The Dictator's Goal

1 "So, why are we invading Mexico?", asked Jotaro to his small-moustached friend. He wasn't really curious, he just thought that invading small countries first would be a better strategic choice.

2 The conqueror was sitting down reading some apparently important papers with his glasses on. 3 Upon hearing this question though, he took his glasses off with his shaking hand, imitating a scene from a movie Jotaro had never heard of, thus he missed the joke entirely. 4 "Bulls", he replied straightforwardly.

5 "Bulls? You want bulls?", Jotaro asked for clarification. He, like pretty much everyone, didn't get the answer.

6 "Yes. Schpanien had bulls, so Mexiko must have bulls as well", responded the conqueror with a surprisingly more confusing answer than the first one.

7 Jotaro grabbed the tip of his hat, as he would usually do when he was starting to get pissed off. He then asked yet another question: "So why do you want bulls?"

8 "Zat's classified and zerefore, none of your koncern", replied the conqueror. "Your job is to punch my enemies, not to ask queschtions". 9 Jotaro then frowned as he forced himself to leave the room. Another second with that idiot, and he would have lost it.

10 Of course, no one could know the secret to the conqueror's plan: he took the bulls from each country, put them in sperm-producing factories, only for his own daily injections of bull semen. 11 This would increase his testosterone, according to his personal physician, thus making him stronger in battle.

12 The ship would take one more day to arrive at Mexico's shores.

**Author's Note:**

> This was written as a joke for the sacred texts of the cult "The Children of Epik": the Epiktheca. Hopefully my Brothers will soon write their own versions of our Father's legendary life.
> 
> I'd like to thank Epik (the real person) for being such a cool dude and great cult leader, my brother for helping me with ideas and betaing, and my friends for being so nice and encouraging.
> 
> I'll be updating the fanfic with a new chapter every other day, until it gets long enough.


End file.
